my hair is brown, now.

all my plans were canceled this weekend because of the snow.
1) underwear party at grand central station on friday night
2) working and making money at OG saturday night
and the saddest one of them all 3) canceled the celtic christmas show for the bog band

we worked so damn hard on that show. made costumes by hand, rehearsed songs, came up with new choregraphies... i hate this.

im also sick. a cold.

im losing someone i love to someone else. ill talk to them about it, i just hate it right now. its no like i need her most in my time of need or something- she will always have me for that. but shes kind of forgetting about me recently. abandonment is one of my greatest fears.

but time will fix what is meant to be mended.

btw
i hate snow.

cheers.

i think ive figured it out.

we're going to be friends. im hoping really good friends. its kind of EVP all over again. but its ok.

we hung out last night. i stayed at her place until 3am. we talked. there was silence. we were ok with the silence. and its not wierd. we can be ridiclious at parties and then just relax on her couch and swap awkward date stories.

we talk almost everyday. i dont really care what other people are thinking, she'd been a good pal so far. and shes fun. she introduces me to cool people and gets me into awkward events- she likes me.

oh, best conversation of my life, btw:
"i got bit on my lip
"when, satuday?"
"yea"
"who did it?"
"i think you"
"what, no way!"
"please, youre a biter"
"well yea but how did you know that?"
"i knew from the moment i met you that youre a biter"
"how the hell can you know that"
"just do"
"oh. sorry i bit you"


platonic love.
cheers.

so is it just me, or is everyone i know and love going through a blue phase? its rubbing off on me, i can tell that much.

i am smitten. there is no other way to describe it, and there is nothing i can do to avoid it any longer. problem is 1) none of my friends like her and 2) she doesnt feel the same way, im pretty sure. its a lost cause, but there isnt anything to be done about it. so it is here that i am stuck.

ah well.

money is... ok at the moment. but it will be gone soon, that much i do know. least i got my old job back. thats giuaranteed money. just need to get that going.

i am not looking foward to next semester. the classes i really wanted to talk are either full or are not being offered in the spring. im never gonna graduate.

im hoping its PMS.

this weekend kind of sucked. failface.

cheers.

oh wow. havent been here in a good long time.

lets see...

its been a ridicilious. kinda of in a strange place again. oh man.

i've run out of money. im pretty sure im on my way on becoming an alcoholic. and ive made a new friend. just a friend. its a little frustrating, but that's just how it is. ah well.

i need money.

i need to stop drinking to much.

i need to remmeber i'm loved.

cheers.

nini.

divas in a good place. its oh such a happy place. im almost afraid to move foward and get any progress done with much of anything, with my wierd luck (and my taroc pack and my taroc pack) something would blow over. well no, im decidedly in a peaceful and happy place. i refuse to have that tampered with.

there is someone that loves me. not like friend love, but like disgusting love. its nice to be reminded that no matter what youre feeling one day, youre not detestable and disgusting to someone. that constant reminder in the back of your head is something great to hold on to.

i met someone. so right now im determining whether i want to be friends with her, or just skip to what we have done so far. if a friendship arises, thats always nice to have, but i think we could get ourselves into a lot of other fun shenanigans. we'll see. so far, we dont know much about each other, so we're just kind of covering our bases, feeling each other out (most literally-OH WIN!!!). i love a good pun, a dirty one just makes me flush in the face. as of now, we just kind of invite each other to parties we go to, sit next to each other in class and sometimes tell a good story or two. i dont know is shes a kindred spirit, but the adventure of finding that out has been fun so far.

all my friendships seem to be in a good place, too. had a good firm talkin' when it deemed necessary, laughed when it just felt oh so good, goofed off a lot, and wiped away tears when they happened to show up.

as of recent, ive been putting things and people in my life into lists- people who mean the most to me, people i mean the most to, people ive...uh... you know. its interesting to step back and see whats found in data. im not emotionally driven so logic and reason are huge determiners of a lot of my decisions.

im becoming more and more comfortable with who i am and what im all about. WIN.

oh, and somehow i got employee of the month. they dont hate me- thats always nice to know.
my innards hurt, tho. heartburn or indegestion and im having a couple idgestive issues. but other than that, im in such a good place. lets hope that doesnt jinx itself.

cheers.

im sick of being called shallow.
if people really listened, theyed realize that im not.
EVERYONE judges on the superficial stuff. to say that you dont is a lie.
im just generalizing. i let everyone have an opportunity to break watever first impression i have of them.
so either get to know me better or stop pretending you kno what youre talking about.

cheers.

last night i had the lovliest of dreams. i wasnt alone. there was hair and love and smiles. as said- most lovely.

i awoke to the reality of my plight- not in my own bed but still alone.

this is getting very old very quickly. its either give up or keep trying. either way i think im fucked.

in a room of a thousand people im still so alone. ive had enough.

cheers.

i think m becoming obsessive. not quite complusive at this point, but definetely obsessive.

i kno scorpios are like that, but still. i kno this is something im gonna have to watch and be careful of.

im slowly growing tired and going through an introverted phase. a tiny one, because my demanding social lifestyle will not accept that i like to have ME time. with every passing year it just gets worse. my mother says when u get older, it wont b like this anymore. very possibly, but ill still have more people in my life then most other people my age. its just me- my personality type, my need for people, my extreme extroversion at most time- i think this is just how its going to be.

id rather be overwhelmed then lonely. thats my own personal form of hell- lonliness.

so while maneuvering through spouts of lonliness and spouts of introversion, what am i to do? how do i find that balance? am i allowed that much in this life?

it doesnt seem so.

one exciting thing happened- im gonna b a guest speaker in a high school class because of my writing. in all honesty, i cant really believe thats actually going to happen. ill just talk about writing and poetry and how to write and become inspired and all that gooey goodness.

THATS fate. thats written in the stars, along with my obsessiveness. theres no escaping this invisible plan. but i kno theres a map. i just dont kno where im trudging to.

but isnt life more fun that way?
[one of my montras]

cheers.

life tends to leave you in strange places. there are few things that are completely black and white, so when you're left in this gray area, you dont know how to feel. thats where i am now- i dont know how to feel.

its either that or im just afraid to feel. my mantra- "feel what you feel"- am i not following it?

something smells absolutely lovely. like perfume or flowers or something of that kind.

for the first time in a long time, im really looking forward to school starting up again. usually i dread it but his time im growing anxious. i think something either snapped or clicked, and i have a completely different view on myself. more self confidence. more of a sense of what im all about. its bizarre- these 20-something years. we're supposed tobe grown up now. but honestly, how the hell are we expected to be adults now? theres no transition, that part of growing up has to be donw on your own. i feel a lot of people dont realize that, and get stuck in some type of funk of identity issues for the rest of their lives.

lets not, mk?

cheers.

"he seems like he could be a heartbreaker."
"ill b ok, ive had my share of heartbreak."
"seemed like becky broke your heart a little."
"yeah, its kinda hard to talk about. it hurt more than i thought it would."

*tickles knee and smiles*

thank you.

cheers.

can i just talk about the lovely last 2 days ive had?

woke up early on tuesday, christa and i drove to PA to meet with our new employer and get a firm talking to. we got there at noon, chatted with an assistant for like all of 20 min, then we had to fend for ourselves til our class at 5. our adventures led us to a park with a see-saw that squeaked like it was yelping mating calls, climbed awkward trees, and [best of all] came across a carnival that was closed. us, being the crazy adventurers we are, snooped around and took all kinds of amazing pictures with the goofy rides and pictures and all that. i ran away from being mauled by a friendly bear, christa caught a skantily clad woman falling from a trapeze. we wandered in the tiny town of "shrewsberry"- looking for shrews and getting cat called at. we found townhouses for sale and christa mispronounced "button" often. we wandered back to the car and drove a little ways and thought about food opportunities. so the list of amazingness went from dollar tree- candy and louffahs and mini bowling, not to forget a pregency test for $1 (thats not sketchy at all); subway- a slap-happy phone call from scott was the best; ritas- food envy and discovery of sunburn. we headed back to the park where we goofed and played mini bowling and then laid out in the sun hoping for tans, watched clouds float by, and met friendly lost dogs. after a nice fake nap, we headed back to the studio and taught 3 classes. theyre all girls and i think theyre gonna go real well this summer. then of course, we goofed off in the studio for a bit- reviewing old steps, making new ones. so then we drove back to MD and she took me home.

i forget how much i miss her at times. we need more days like this.

i went home, took the fastest shower ever cuz i was all gross, and met brennan at unos. hes a handsome fellow. he pointed out that we kno nothing about each other so we covered the basics- birthday, sign, major, family, high school stories. there was a lot of smiling. he made me a cootie catcher too- i wrote him fortunes. i reminded him of what happened on saturday, we said our goodnight and i headed out for the last part of my day.

i hope i dont mess this up. hes quite special.

so, i drove to arundel mills smiling all the way and chrissy gave me my ticket for TRANSFORMERS 2!!! it was the 4 of us- chrissy, fey, chanch, and me. lo and fey JIPed at the new moon trailer, i made O sounds when i saw megan fox. this movie was epic and this is so not the last time im seeing it.

i love hanging with the high school girls- they remind me i dont have to grow up too fast.

today i had to wake up at zero-dark thirty for traffic court. i go kinda lost but found it with time to spare. i got called in, plead my case, got a firm preaching to, and he let me keep my lisence. i did NOT think that was gonna happen, no lie. so that was the best suprise ever.

ill b more careful from now on, i swear.

i stopped by giant and got a pie as a celebratory deal. mom and i ate a piece and i took a nap before more adventures.

i went to the lady doctor. kinda nerve racking [no lie, i couldnt give them a sample]. she was real friendly tho, and she told me im all healthy. so thats always nice news to hear.

now i can be the whore of babylon, HA.

i stopped by the bank and the candy box for a few minutes. i gave sheri my schedule and i think ill get to work the hours i want and need this week.

so now im home, chatting with a few pals, looking foward to my night with brennan and im just really at peace. maybe karma- my version of it (balance, not necessarily u get whats coming to u)- will kick me in the ass the next few days, but right now, im just very content and happy. no drugs needed.

=]
cheers.

i missed a spot shaving.

scarlett n i got into a fight last night. i did not much care for it, not at all. now im going to end up doing something im scared to do- its probably for my own good, but im stll scared. i dont much care for being frightened, either. i think we will be fine, but its still kind of a commitment i wasnt all that ready to get into. but we will see. if i have to back out, then we'll take it from there. gracious. im so bad at fighting. fuck conflict.

christa got a job, thats all kinds of exciting! i guess the only downside ot that is that shes growing up without me. i mean thats how its supposed to be, but im still being left a bit behind. fuck. but im happy for her- shes wanted a big girl job for some time. huzzah.

evp called me yesterday. shes goofin off in NY and hasnt forgotten me. thats a big fear too, being forgotten. i think thats y im so loyal- i dont wanna leave anyone behind that doesnt wish to be left. i miss her. i forgot that damn accent. she'll b home soon, tho.

i have so many books to read. its nice to have them, i just dont think ill b able to get through all of them this summer. i wanted to hit up all the chronic(WHAT)cles of narnia this summer too. ive still got like 4 or 5 books before i should get to them, tho. and im devestatingly slow at reading. funny- a writer thats bad at reading. is that allowed?

i think im just gonna b really scared for the next few weeks. of what? not so sure. just kinda of everything. theres to much potential for stuff going wrong, im just afraid of tomorrow.

please dont leave me behind.

cheers.

i want to b a writer. i think thats all i know. and all i really know is that i have to write about what i know. what that is, who knows?

wow i just pulled that out of my ass. fucking awesome.

i have a pal that is a writer- she just published her manuscript. she used to b jaded and passionate and want to change the world. now shes just tired and wants to take care of herself.
i think thats where i am now.

i was a bit jaded and idealistic in high school. now i just want to b happy with what i do. not even necessarily happy, just content. give me a routine i can grow accustomed to. like bartleby.

i need to make more money this summer. i have next to nothing, and i need more than that. no lie.

im slowly growing lonely. im not sure how to remedy that.

summer heat, melt away my aches, mk?


cheers.

ive made some progress.
talked about some relationships that were really bothering me. fixed it for the most part, but i think theres progress to be made but thats fine- we're headed in the right direction.
schools over. holy moses its amazing. i hate learning.
im listening to tech-YES.

this summers b beast.

cheers.

i've got a few things to figure out.
a few things to assess. and re-assess.
a few things to drop.
a few things to follow up on.

who wants to go on a mad vacay with me?

cheers.

two days ago, i wrote a killer piece.

i'm back, baby.

its gonna be a good year.



cheers.

tonight was a lot of fun. only good things happened and only good things can come from tonight.
but there are a few complications. and it sounds all very high school and im a little lost.

tonight i spend a good majority of the evening with a guy and the girl he likes. thats no problem, i dont mind being the third wheel if its a cool couple. no biggie. problem: the person i have a thing for likes this guy. im not even gonna lie, i kinda like the guy too. but hes much, much too good for me, so im ok with backing off and just being pals. thats no biggie. the dilema is is it wrong for me to be too buddy-buddy with this guy if i 1) dig somebody else and 2) dont want to hurt my friend.

its all very ridiculious.

and oh, i love that u love me. ur a good friend. not goin be more than that, and that breaks my heart a little. but hey, its late and what can i do?

drive safe, junebug.


cheers.

ill never have you.

it took everything in my power to keep myself from kissing you

fiercly.

the way you deserved to be kissed.

this is me telling you to heal.



cheers.

whenever i get on here, something bizarre happens. i have to look at where i am in life, and whenever i seem to pine on it too much, i get really depressed about it. thats the effect this site has on me. but when i tell other people where i am and how im doing, its a different story. am i too polite to subject people with the truth, or am i just melodramatric?

either way, i myself know that something is not right. i think its time to define more this thing we call life, and decide that it doesnt have to be all planned out. wouldnt that suck the fun out of it?

i have quiet goals that are subject to change. but so far, they havent. not the ones ive made recently.

time for work. 2 jobs today. i wanna quit one of them, but dont have the balls to tell the guy.

ima wuss.


cheers.

i had a thought... i think i lost it. oh yes. its back.

i think i get why i have issues with trust and committing to stuff. ive looked at my life a few eyars back, and everytime i thought i knew wat was going to happen in a year, it never did. take last year- i thought i was going to eastern, i thought id still be with culkin, and i thought id get a job somewhere in that tiny town eastern is next to. now look- im still in catonsville, at umbc, new job at the OG and not really dancing all that much anymore ( =[ ) and i basically have 3 jobs. a year ago i wanted still wanted to be a lawyer- save the world or exploit it, whichever paid better, and i knew the path i needed to take to get there.

now look at me.
directionless.
aimless.
hopeless.

im afraid if i committ to anything substantial right now, it just wont end up happening. which, from history, seems a reasonable theory. have i become so logical that ive killed that emotional part of me that still dreams, wants, persues?

i hope not.
but it is possible.


im sick of feeling so lost.


cheers
shalini.